Grieving in isolation

At the centre of chaos and helplessness

The loss of a dearly loved family member or friend can be devastating on any day, but how is isolation impacting people living these losses today, this week?  
I am a member of number of closed facebook groups supporting each other with the stresses, questions and pressures of life being the parent of a child with complex needs. I have begun to notice that there is a growing number of posts asking for support with sudden losses and how to support children going through these losses. It has struck me, where do people go that don’t have access to a trusted facebook group?  Where do they find the wider support?  My experience of the groups is that I feel safe to write about my darkest moments, sometimes as they are happening, without the fear of judgment or the need to worry about how my words impact on another.  The other members are names, some become familiar and valued but there is still a distance that brings the safety for honesty to be revealed. My heart breaks for those that loose their mother suddenly to Covid 19 or those struggling with an unexpected stage 4 cancer diagnosis in their families.

 There are so many people in similar situations all over the country.  I am so so very pleased that the people that have turned to these groups for support and advice actually have these places to turn to.

To be able to open up and talk about how you are truly feeling inside is a valuable way to help process loss and having open discussions with family is immensely beneficial for the family grieving together.  I am aware that this sounds great but I am sure there will be many reading this that are thinking “thats easier said than done” and you are right. Often to talk about the raw agony of grief brings the fear and risk of causing hurt to the listener and increasing their own pain in grief. The instinct to protect those around us from the huge, painful and dangerous feelings barely held in check within us is understandable. If we fear them exploding out and overwhelming us, how on earth can we expect others to bare them along with their own pain?  This is where the rest of the world would come in. Trying to keep busy to avoid the feelings, then finding yourself telling your story to the stranger on the bus, or the dog walker, or the person at the supermarket checkout.  That person that in that moment feels safe enough, removed enough from the grief, to be given your reality.  It might be simply going about what use to be normal that brings a sense of being in the world, being part of life and not living solely through grief.  But what do you do in isolation? Nothing is normal at the moment. 

Grief its self can be the feeling of your world being turned upside down, the solid ground becoming quick sand, no longer stable and forever changed.  How must isolation impact on this?  How can you process this unreal removed feeling while the world is so unreal and distant?  Will the grieving process be missed during the isolation to impact later, when the world its self has righted its self? When the world may make the assumption that it has been long enough, ‘surely your through that bit by now’?  There is no set timeline to grief. Or will the isolation plunge some into a dark spiral of self reflection, pain and regret?  Many of us are experiencing the awareness of being left with our own thoughts and either trying to drown them out with noise and activity or resolving to embrace them in an attempt to understand ourselves better.  To have the magnifying glass of isolation focused over grief ......... to be honest it feels unimaginable.  I am struggling to find the words to describe what it brings up for me.  I keep getting the image of sun beaming through the magnifying glass and burning the ‘paper’. I wonder if that is what it feels like to go through. That it could destroy and overwhelm.

I confess to feeling helpless in this situation. I myself am not currently experiencing this grief, but I fear for those who are. Especially those that don’t have anywhere to bring their brokenness, their overwhelmed moments and their need to be held and those who feel the expectation to be ‘ok’ for others.  
I suppose what I or we, could do is to make contact. If we know of someone going through a bereavement, we cant fix their pain, but we can acknowledge it. We can acknowledge

them by being there and being genuine. If you don't know what to say, say that. To know that someone sees or hears them, whether its virtually or across the street, and isn’t telling them how to fix the pain, will feel real.  When we avoid contacting or talking to the person because we don't know what to say, helps no one. We feel guilty and inadequate and those grieving feel abandoned and even further away from reality.  If the world is carrying on without their loved one and nobody talks about them or acknowledges the pain of their loss, how can the worlds be the same or both be real? This is true even when the world is not in isolation, for both adults and children. Be real, be genuine, if it feels uncomfortable say it,  you won’t  be the only one feeling it, you can bet the other person if is feeling it too.  Just like there is not a guidebook for grieving, there is also no guidebook for supporting someone, other than simply be there, allow them to grieve their way without judgment and remember you can’t fix them. To try would be to deny them their pain and therefore the importance and love they feel for their loved one.

I will be praying for all those experiencing grief, those with children to support through their grief, whether they have complex needs or not, all children need guidance through grief. How they see the adults around them process grief impacts how they too process theirs.  I will be praying for support to be there for them in the form of friends and neighbours checking in, contacting online and finding a space to share their reality. I will also be praying for support and emotional care beyond this period of isolation.  The impact of it will be felt by many far beyond the restrictions being lifted. 
From within your own isolation bubbles remember to care for yourself and each other.  That person you haven’t heard from may be the one that is struggling the most.  Communication is a two way process, by making contact you may just be providing that wee bit of recognition and care that the other person needed to help them back into the world. Don’t hold grudges but show you care by reaching out instead.