In The Isolation, Together

As my blogger name suggests, I am a mum living/ watching life from inside the bubble of isolation.  At first when social isolation and possible lock down was banded about, I thought that my daily existence would be unchanged, unaffected by these monumental changes in our society. I mean, I’m in all the time anyway. I’m not, or at least didn’t feel  part of that society.  But I was wrong. I have been affected. In some quite surprising ways.

I thought that having been isolated for so long I would feel, 

‘been there, done that’.  For the first week I think I probably did.  When people asked how we were doing I would respond with a “oh, same old, same old. Not much of a change for us”. I believe on occasion there was a note of frustration and accusation, as if to say “don’t you know this is how I have been living???”.  I will admit to having felt a certain amount of resentment at the sudden interest in how to connect with those isolated, all the resources and ideas, apps, chats, challenges, and the impression that it was only elderly people that would be alone and vulnerable.  I am very glad to say that I got over myself.

I think it was when I sat and engaged with the online church service, that I realised that I wasn’t alone.  I wasn’t isolated in my isolation.  I had been accessing the Sunday morning services on the church facebook page for probably the past year.  I would sit at my table for 10:30am, having made sure that the menagerie, including B, had been fed and watered, to reduce the chances of interruptions.  But this was different.  For one thing it had been moved from facebook to a youtube channel so I could have it on my TV instead of a tablet.  I could see the words of the hymns and actually join in. But I think the difference for me was that, how I was experiencing it was the same as the rest of the congregation.  I wasn’t different.  We were all the same. No longer looking in through a window, but on the inside. I felt more connected with the church family than I had in a long time.  I was part of, no longer apart from the congregation.  I know that I am very much a part of my church family, but sometimes for all of us, situations and circumstances can play games with our perception and leave us feeling disconnected, far away and believing the inner saboteurs.

The main point is that I was aware of feeling part of something.  Over the past week, that feeling of being part of something has grown and its not all too sensible.  For starters, has anyone else noticed how much people are willing to risk doing something totally out of the norm?  I’m talking about people like the guy who took his dog for a walk in Inverness in a huge dinosaur suit. I have begun to notice my own desire to do the silly things that I would normally never think of doing.  Like dying the ends of my hair green (it didn’t take very well, think my hair is too dark).  I feel an air of excitement that people are at home and accessible.  I am not alone.  I am patiently waiting on the next #hometasking challenge to come out so that I can get my ‘thinking outside of the box’ head on.  This new willingness to stand up and do the ridiculous and the unexpected is wonderful.  I think it is due to the lives of the whole of society changing and therefore our place in it is up for grabs.  There are no rules on how to be in lockdown, no right or wrong.  You can be who you want to be, you can be the real you, if you are lucky enough to know who that is.  Or you can try on different hats for size until you find what feels most authentically you.  That is what I think we are all doing, finding who we are in our empty rooms. That gives me a sense of excitement and terror in equal measure.  I am also aware of being left with sadness and guilt, sadness that this feeling of being together and part of something may be lost when this is all over, and guilt at feeling happiness for myself because the world is isolated with me.  Especially in light of the risk and trauma that so many are facing daily across the world due to this virus.

It is a truly horrific time for so so many people around the world and our friends and families.  The virus is destroying the lives of everyone it touches, from the poor souls that loose their lives, their families and loved ones and the health care staff around the world that are finding themselves climbing out off trenches and going over the top armed with a popgun in the face of missile launchers.

Whatever your part is within this crazy upside down nightmare world that we all find ourselves in, its important to allow yourself the space to be afraid, to feel sad, to help each other to laugh and to be that silly, radical, daring, whatever it is, authentic you. And above all else, Love each other, including yourself, be kind, thoughtful and be there.